TOO MUCH... BUT OBVIOUSLY NEVER ENOUGH

Last Sunday morning my pager went off at 0130.  I was the only chaplain available so I took the call.  A 21 year old young man had hanged himself... 21 years old... He had a young sweetheart... He had a decent place to live... He did not want to live.

When I arrived there was a detective, two young police officers and several young people of both sexes on scene.  One of the young people was his girlfriend who had found him when she came home from work just before 0130.  She had said she did not want to see a chaplain but immediately wanted to see me when I arrived.  I held her as she cried into my chest and trembled.  Shortly she had her strength restored and was able to compose herself.  She then sat down on a chaise lounge and cuddled her little dog as she herself was held by a girlfriend sitting with her.  It had happened in an upstairs attic apartment with outside stairs... We were standing and sitting near the foot of the stairs as police personnel, including forensics came and went.  It seemed like forever before a transport service confirmed that they were on the way to transport the body of the young man.

When the transport service arrived they had to hand carry the young man down in a body bag, then place him on a gurney on the ground at the foot of the stairs.  None of the young people would leave his girlfriend and she would not leave the area at the foot of the stairs.  I stayed close until this ritual was over and then I had to go many miles to the southern end of our city to try and find the mother of the deceased whom no one had been able to locate.

At 0500 I found the home address of the mother but she was not there and the young man did not know where she might be.  I left written info to contact me and left the location, driving the many miles back to my home where I crashed for a few hours before preparing for my Sunday service.

As I was preparing to leave my office to go to Sunday service the phone rang.  It was the mother of the deceased.  She was in Richmond, two hours away.  I told her as much and as little as I could and made an appointment to meet her when she returned to our city in a couple of hours.  In our conversation she had guessed the problem involving her son and assured me she would make her way safely back to our city and call me when she arrived.

After getting off the phone with the mother, I made several contacts with the Nurse Supervisor at the hospital where the morgue is located and asked for an appointment to bring the mother to the morgue.  It took the next couple of hours and numerous calls back and forth for her to arrange the meeting at the morgue with the Medical Examiner whom I know and have worked with many times.

We met at the hospital, sat and talked as we waited for the Medical Examiner to arrive and then made that terrible long walk to the morgue... A walk that I have made many hundreds of times with many parents and relatives.  Making that trip with mothers is the hardest... No one in this world loves like a mother.  I listened to all of the warnings and details given to the mother by the Medical Examiner.  I knew this trip would not be an easy, nor pleasant one, but it is one I must take with them to be a support for them.

In that morgue and immediately outside the entry door I have seen the great variation of human reactions and grief.  Here I have seen everything from fainting to no reaction at all... Everything from very mild to the worst of hysteria...  I have even seen mothers take a very long time and make minute examination of the body of their deceased son from head to foot...  I have heard thousands of questions that all lead to two things...  Certainty that this is their child... and What is the cause of death...  Some want to know every possible detail.  Some only want to look, touch and have that last long embrace...

It began at 0130 on a Sunday morning... For me it ended many hours later at about 1700 hours...  For this mother it was just beginning...  The long hours where everything is empty...  The painful outbursts of weeping as the great loss seeps into your whole being...
The times when life holds no joy of any kind as you wrestle with a broken heart that tells you it will never mend...  It tells you this horrible pain will not stop...  Your heart asks how can I go on, I am dying from this pain!

I thank God that we are intricately and wonderfully made.  I am deeply appreciative that we are more resilient than most humans ever realize until they tread the journey through the Valley of Death.  I have trodden that journey with my closest loved ones as I learned to let them go and to live again here without them.  I have trodden it hundreds and hundreds of times with friends and with total strangers.  It is a journey that you never get used to and it is never comfortable. 

Those of us who are called to be chaplains must make this journey with people as we have call and opportunity.  You seldom know in advance when it will come...  You seldom know in advance where it will come...  Sometimes it is a meeting of a chaplain in uniform and a stranger in the most unexpected places...  The stranger recognizes the chaplain by some external or spiritual means...  There is a desperate need within the heart...  The need crowds to the surface where it will not be denied...  A time stopping moment takes place... 

If it works well the stranger may shortly go on their way in even a joyful attitude...  The needed answer was immediately received and it went straight to the heart.  Sometimes it takes hours...  Then more meetings... Sometimes the hurting heart is never comforted no matter how many answers are brought forth and applied...  Sometimes it hurts for years... Sometimes the broken heart just gives up and quits living, it could not go on without the one who had died...  Sometimes it just happens...  Sometimes it precipitates another death by one's own hand.  Grief can be a relentless horrible companion...  Sometimes joy and understanding break through all of the pain and the pain is dissipated never to return
in great affect again except for very brief moments that pass very quickly.

This does not have to be the death of a person to have such great affect.  It can be:
The end of a relationship...
Loss of a life's career...
Serious life-altering illness, injury or event...
Any thing or event that drastically alters the way of life accustomed to for the one who experiences it...

With thousands of loved ones experiencing the deaths and serious injuries of Peace Keepers, we need to understand that there may be possible, powerful after-affects upon those survivors and loved ones.  When these things happen we must also recognize that though there may be a pattern to the reactions, each person can experience their pain and loss in varied ways and there is no time schedule that is predictable...  Plus the fact that some people just never get all the way through the grief.  Some people in deep grief just get frozen into some stage of the process and go no further, ever.  I know because I have been there many times personally and hundreds upon hundreds of times with other people...  And some people just never get through it.

I have only one word of advice that truly works.  That advice in these situations is always, "TAKE LIFE ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!"  In addition, recognize that time pressures will come...  That you feel you must do something but you do not know what to do.  Sometimes everyone around you will be giving advice, each one different from or opposed to the advice received from others.  Taking it one moment at a time keeps the mind and spirit clear to do the really necessary things that can and do come up.  Worry will not help.  Fretting will not help.  If you are into the process you must take the journey through it or the journey will take you over and you may have difficulty ever getting through it.

As I finish this, I am thinking of all of the wives and mothers who have received the bodies of their sons and daughters back in a box like I did with my son.  I am also thinking of those who never received anything back but the bad news that their loved one is missing and presumed lost.  If you have never been there please have compassion and understanding with those who are there or will be there.  All who are suffering the pain of a broken heart need a shoulder or a chest to cry on or beat upon...  They need strong arms to enfold them and hold them until they get the strength they need.

I arrived at the scene of a shooting one night.  Shots had rang out from a passing car.  The driver in another car slumped over the wheel dead.  A young man in the rear seat grabbed the wheel and steered the car to the shoulder and turned the car off with the help of the front seat passenger, the wife of the deceased.  When I arrived the young man who had steered and stopped the car said to me, "Chaplain give me a strong bear hug, please, and hold me."  I did.  A few moments later he was calm and had received the strength he needed and told me he was OK now.

If they reach for you, you make a relaxed shallow cup of both of your hands... Place one hand on the front of each of their shoulders with your thumbs up and on the outermost end of the collar bone, palms flat to the outermost part of the front of their shoulder, your fingers wrapped around their upper arm at the shoulder and let them lean into you as you relax your elbows between you in line with their outermost shoulder...  Brace one leg behind you as a prop to support the weight and control them if necessary.  If they should become a danger to you, you have but to push with each arm and they will immediately be separated from you.  If you put your hands on the front of each of their shoulders and prop your leg as a brace you have a strong platform of control and strength.  If they become no danger to you, they never knew that you have exercised control because you did not have to use it...  And they leaned on you, received strength from you and will in a short while release you and be more at ease usually...  Sometimes they are totally at ease.

As we peer into the future it is hard to see the next event... Is it a joy or is it a club?  We cannot know in advance.  We may plan but we cannot know... All we can do is train, practice and prepare for the eventualities.  We are Peace Keepers.  If we are going to keep and maintain peace around us we must train, practice, prepare and think... Be prepared to act and move as it might become necessary.  That is why we must have Basic Training, Re-training, Practical Problems, Practice and testing for Qualification.  Peace Keepers must be ready... And still we lose some in action who can never return to the field with us again.

We have celebrated Memorial Day.  Shortly we will celebrate Independence Day.  We are here to celebrate because others before us took their stand in the line between good and evil and told evil you will stop here even if it takes my life to stop you!

A line in the BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC says, LET US DIE TO MAKE MEN FREE!!!  I SING IT AS LET US LIVE TO MAKE MEN FREE!  Peace Keepers, that is our goal... Live to make men free... But it is also to make it plain that we will stop evil even if we must pay the highest cost possible for us to pay and in so doing bring grief to our loved ones.  We do our duty to lessen the pain of the world that wants our help... We do our duty to cause more pain to those who cause problems by doing it their own selfish ways hurting and destroying others in the process...

We are committed to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness for all of our citizens...
Sometimes it seems to cost too much when one or more of us falls in the line of duty...  The pain of grief tells us that it costs too much...  But the Clear Dawn of Reason says it had to be that way so many times for us to get from where we once were to here...  And that same Clear Dawn of Reason says it will be that way again... And again... And still more if we are going to have a future.

I cannot thank you enough for all that you have done and are doing.  If I could I would proudly embrace each of you, thank you in person, grasp your hand in a firm grip, look you in the eye and give you a snappy salute.  I am honored to be one among you for all these 46 years.  Last Sunday morning a young Peace Keeper whom I know but have not had a lot of close contact, said to me, "Please don't ever quit as long as I am here."
I do not plan to quit but I cannot be here forever... No one of us can.  We just do the best we can do with what we have where we are and leave the rest to God or whomever else is responsible.

"BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!"  ALWAYS be alert, watchful, suspicious and wary.  Take the very best care of you as you care for and about others.  See to the strength and well being of your spirit as well as all the rest of you.  Your spirit must be strong for you to be successful.

Call or write if I may be of any service... Or if you just want to encourage me... Feedback encourages all who write... It helps to know we are reaching someone who reads the message.

As it has always been... So it still is!!!

"VICTORIOUS WARRIORS WIN FIRST...
AND THEN GO TO WAR,
WHILE DEFEATED WARRIORS GO TO WAR FIRST...
AND THEN SEEK TO WIN."  Sun tzu

Training and practice are everything!
Without it, the best results are not obtained!

ONLY LIVE PEACE KEEPERS SEE THE VICTORY!!!
THEY SEE IT ONLY BECAUSE OTHERS HAVE MADE THEIR ETERNAL
PAYMENTS OF SWEAT, BLOOD, TEARS AND LIFE FOR THAT VICTORY!

WITH THE DEEPEST OF APPRECIATION AND RESPECT...
BE BLESSED (A CONDITION TO BE ENVIED)...
BE SUCCESSFUL... BE SAFE...
[My injunction to be safe means doing all you know to do as you do your job... it means
doing the best you can with what you have where you are using all your faculties to get
the job done well and with good results conquering evil and keeping or restoring peace...
it does not mean to avoid duty and honor... it does not mean to cower or allow anything
to hinder you in the process of duty according to rules, law and ethics...  it means that if
the demand takes your earthly life you destroy as much evil as possible in the process. 
That is my definition of being safe... doing the best you can and leaving the rest to God
or whomever else is responsible... being best employed for the sake and protection of all
the things and people that we hold dear.]

I represent, write for... and give the credit to:
God the Father (my Commander-in-Chief),
Jesus Christ the Son (the Eternal Captain of my life) and
the Holy Spirit of God (my Eternal Teacher, Keeper and Guide).
In Christ I live... with Him and for you I serve...
And I rejoice that you are there whether you are Christian or not...
D. R. (Don) Staton, Chaplain to Peace Keepers,
Surviving Peace Keeper,
Virginia State Police Alumni,
RETIRED Police Officer Virginia Beach Police Dept.,
DCJS Certified Police Instructor,
Community Service Officer (Traffic Safety)
757-431-2190, chpln1@verizon.net
3709 Beacon Lane, Virginia Beach, VA 23452
===============================================================
All rights reserved.  May not be duplicated without permission, except to be
forwarded with all source information for any quotation intact.
 
To subscribe to this free e-mail message for Peace Keepers, 
write to Chaplain D. R. Staton at chpln1@verizon.net or at 
3709 Beacon Lane, Virginia Beach, VA 23452.