The Ring: A Defensive Weapon for Marital Fidelity
By Joseph W. Trindal
The wedding band is more than a symbol of the lifelong commitment between two people. The wedding band can be a powerful tool in maintaining fidelity in marriage. In today’s society, marriage is under frequent attack. The “anything goes” or “if it feels good, do it” attitudes reflected in the media as well as in our daily interactions are contrary to a healthy long-term relationship between two people. Frequently, married people discuss their marriages with great distain. Today, infidelity is a widely recognized social norm of the modern marriage.
The consequences of infidelity in marriage are tremendous. The breech of trust that embodies an extra-marital relationship poses a very real threat to harmony and unity. The internal, personal conflicts created by external intimate relationships add tremendous stress to each of the people directly involved. Collateral damage to others is equally significant. Regardless of the outcome, someone is certain to be hurt in deep and lasting ways. In many situations the hurt is deeper than any other pain. The pain can be felt even deeper than the death of a loved one. The scars from these relationships are carried by those affected for the rest of their lives. In some instances, these scars are passed on to children in the form of learned attitudes of the parent who has been hurt, even if the children were not yet born at the time of the affair. For children who are present at the time of the turmoil in the marriage, the scars often affect their self-esteem with life-long impact.
In this article, we will focus on the value of the wedding band as a significant instrument for ensuring, maintaining or even re-building marital trust and fidelity. This article will approach the issue of marital fidelity from an attack standpoint. Considering that extra-marital affairs produce very real casualties, it only seems appropriate to use this approach. In this article we will briefly discuss the frame of mind it takes to keep a marriage secure as well as examine ways of recognizing the early stages of an attack on marital fidelity. Once an attack is underway, we will focus on the wedding band as an important shield and weapon against these attacks.
Recognizing the “attack” in its early stages is only part of the staving off extra-marital relationships. Using effective countermeasures is another major element in securing marital fidelity. Before either of these conditions can exist, however, both marital partners must be in the right frame of mind. Both partners must recognize that the threat is real and poses a clear and present danger to their own security and happiness. Each partner must recognize this fact as it pertains to themselves as well as it pertains to their partner. Each partner must be firmly committed to the belief that infidelity will only lead to unhappiness and great internal conflict. Realizing the risks of these situations makes it much easier to be vigilant in recognizing the attack and swiftly imposing effective countermeasures. The marital partners must understand that the attack may come at themselves, their partner or both. Partners need to work together in threat identification and support one another in deploying countermeasures. As a unified team, the marital bond is unbreakable. But it takes individual commitment to marital defense to ensure steadfast unity. It is that individual commitment that provides the strength necessary to effectively deploy countermeasures while away from the partner, such as on business trips or in certain group settings.
An important strategy in establishing an effective frame of mind is for each partner to frequently recall and, through visualization techniques, relive the pleasant moments experienced during courting, engagement, wedding ceremony and honeymoon. No matter how informal or modest these significant events may have been, they contained great emotional power at the time. Recalling these pivotal moments in a deeply intimate way can provide a great source of internal power and self-discipline. This power is absolutely necessary to engage in the battles that lay ahead for each partner individually and for the couple together. These special events are life changing moments in every married couple’s life and must be relived to ensure that each partner’s life continues to be changed in positive directions through the marital bond.
There are a number of strategies that can help people who want to keep a safe, healthy and monogamous relationship. However, all too often, we fail to see the infidelity attack forming and fail to recognize when to apply effective countermeasures. For example, Steve A. and Sharon B. are co-workers in an highly productive marketing firm. They have been working together at the same firm for years. During that period of time, each has shared in the professional successes and disappointments of the other, along with other co-workers. Both Steve A. and Sharon B. are married to spouses who work in different career fields. Within Steve A. and Sharon B.’s lives are the common personal stresses posed by finances, children, marriage and intermittent medical issues. As Steve A. and Sharon B. are working late on a project to meet a major deadline for the firm the next morning, Steve A. starts talking to Sharon B. about the affect of the job on his family. Steve A. is disappointed that his wife doesn’t appreciate the work that he does at the firm. Sharon B. quickly joins in relating her own conflict between the job and her husband. Neither people realize that they have just take a huge first step toward a personal and intimate extra-marital relationship. Steve A. and Sharon B. are connecting with each other on a level, grounded in stress and conflict that is opposed to each of their own marriages. Now, the bond between Steve A. and Sharon B. can easily grow much deeper as each person brings more personal conflict issues into future discussions. As one person relates to a certain conflict issue, the bond between both people grows stronger and the bond that exists in each person’s marriage grows weaker. Soon, Steve A. and Sharon B. are realizing that they relate to one another better than there spouses and quickly stop trying to connect with their spouses because they have an external interpersonal bond outside of the marriage.
Both Steve A. and Sharon B. were experiencing stress and perhaps some exhaustion when the initial conversation started. Seeking to take a break from thinking about work, Steve A. initiated a conversation that drew in his family life from a negative perspective. Identifying with certain aspects of Steve A.’s points, Sharon B. engaged in similar negative criticism of her family situation. The commencement of the attack or the fact that defenses were never constructed was completely unrecognized by either Steve A. or Sharon B. As a result, the attack was successful in creating internal conflict and inter-personal tension within each person’s marriage. In the worst case, a seemingly benign conversation can lead to divorce and emotional destruction for many people.
The first and best defense is to be on guard for an attack. The attack will come in many forms and disguises, but it is much more likely to be recognized if we are alert. More successful attacks come from close friends or co-workers. Similarly, most homicides are committed by someone known to the victim. The reason is clear; a person familiar with the victim is in a position to get close enough to the victim to cause harm before the victim realizes that an attack has begun. If we acknowledge that attacks against our marital happiness are an absolute fact of life, we can take steps to avoid situations which provide the attacker an advantage. Avoidance of attack is an effective countermeasure. In the case of Steve A. and Sharon B. avoidance could have come in the form or getting the project completed during normal business hours when lots of people are around and distractions are ever present. Proudly wearing and displaying the wedding ring can be another important tool in avoiding an attack. Overt display of the wedding ring can be a deterrent to most people contemplating developing an intimate relationship with a married person.
Mental state is an indispensable element of a strong defense and countermeasure system. An ancient martial arts principle states that, one must first learn to control himself before he can learn to control his environment. In other words, self discipline is the first and most important step to controlling a person’s surroundings. In a healthy marriage, the self discipline comes in the form of positive thoughts of the marital situation and ensuring open lines of communications between married partners. In the Judeo-Christian culture, the union of a man and woman creates a new, singular person. While the couple retain their own identity from a personality standpoint, they each should be focused on common goals and objectives in the unity of the marriage. This condition of unity can only be achieved through frequent, open lines of communication.
The wedding band offers a number of ways to effectively stave off and defeat attacks. Symbolically, the wedding band represents the never ending circle of unity between two people. Wearing the wedding band signals to people, “I’m married and not available.” Most people seeking to explore a relationship with another person stop upon recognizing a wedding band. Wearing the wedding band proudly can eliminate a number of attack situations before they ever commence.
In the event the mere display of the wedding band is insufficient to prevent an attack, other strategies must be taken. Some people take a certain amount of pride at developing an intimate relationship with a married person. These people may develop a sense of conquest at being able to break the marital bond. The person who does not stop at the display of a wedding band is likely to be knowingly and intentionally seeking a relationship with the married person or in spite of their marital situation. Attacks in this form are often aggressive and cunning. In the example of Steve A. and Sharon B., if Steve A. would have continued his attempt to obtain Sharon B.’s sympathy for his family difficulties, Sharon B. could have held her left hand in plain view, twisting her wedding band as Steve A. talked. Sharon B. could also have backed that demonstration of commitment to her marriage with a conversation strategy of returning to the topics related to the work project. These are subtle and generally effective strategies to get the point across to Steve A. that Sharon B. is not interested in being drawn into Steve A.’s personal problems. Sharon B. realizes that she cannot and must not try to solve Steve A.’s problems because doing so is likely to create tension in her own marital relationship.
In some circumstances, the overt display of the wedding band must be coupled with strong, positive talk about one’s own marriage. In situations where it feels like the attack is particularly aggressive or when one feels that defenses may be weakening, verbally reflecting on positive, happy moments in one’s own marriage sends a clear signal to the other person as well as strengthens individual commitment to the logic behind remaining faithful. Some married people, particularly women, will bring up their children as a tool for sending the message of commitment. However, it is much more effective to focus on the relationship between the married couple. Twisting the wedding band, while talking about a wonderful moment with a husband or wife is a powerful weapon that will counter all but the most aggressive and vicious attack.
In the worst case scenario, where lesser countermeasures have failed, a very aggressive counter attack is necessary. For the counter attack, strength can be drawn from anger. The person attacking the marital relationship does not care for the other person at all. The fact that the attacker ignored all lesser countermeasures clearly indicates that the attack is about power and dominance. The counterattack should include very clear visual and verbal messages. The counterattack can use the wedding band as a symbolic prop for the verbal message to follow. In our example, Sharon B. tried every lesser means to give Steve A. the message that she was happily married and could not help Steve A. Still Steve A. was not dissuaded and countered with a cynical remark like, “oh, come on, no marriage is that good. Your husband must have you fooled.” Sharon B. should feel anger at Steve A.’s comment. Steve A.’s reply assumes two key points. First, Steve A. implies that Sharon B.’s marriage is based on lies. Second, that Sharon B. is too stupid to recognize the lies. In launching his attack, Steve A. is attacking both Sharon B. and her husband. Sharon B. should draw strength from her anger and launch an offensive counterstrike. Pointing to her wedding ring, Sharon B. should explain that this ring means that she is devoted to another man and committed to all that their relationship provides for the rest of her life. Sharon B. can further explain that not all marriages are as bad as Steve A. thinks, hers being an example of an excellent marriage. As two final blows in the counterstrike, Sharon B. may want to point out that she finds Steve A.’s aggressive approach as an interference with the project and may need to let her supervisor know. Then to shut down any significant reply, Sharon B. can close by saying that she needs to give her husband a call and then leave the location of encounter.
In all instances, communication between marital partners is important. This communication should be a frequent ingredient in the relationship. Discussing attacks on your own marriage can be a very difficult subject. The response of the partner, man or woman, is often strong. Men often feel the need to avenge their honor and women feel the need to protect the home and family. These strong feelings are often displayed as anger, which frequently includes the marital partner. It’s common for the spouse to feel that his or her partner is somehow responsible for letting the situation get as far as it did. This response impedes and obstructs communication. Instead of strengthening unity, this impulsive response creates division and fosters a sense of isolation in the partner. Both marital partners must realize that attacks on the marriage are inevitable. To seek or cast blame is counter-productive to the goals and objectives that were established at the start of the union. Attacks on the marital union should be looked upon as important opportunities to strengthen the union between two people. These attacks challenge the resolve of the couple, and when successfully beaten, they serve as an example of continued commitment in the face of adversity. In that light, any and all situations that threaten the marriage should be discussed between the partners. The discussion should be non-confrontational, based on mutual respect and approached from a detached, objective standpoint. The person who was on the “front line” of the attack should immediately upon learning of an attack present the circumstances to their partner. Along with the circumstances, the counter measure strategies should be discussed along with prediction of probable outcomes. Only after the partner on the “front line” has talked should the other partner provide input. The other partner should provide input from a “how can I help” point of view. Lessons learned can help each partner fight off future attacks. The conversation should conclude with statements of continued life long commitment to one another, for which making direct reference to the wedding ring can provide a powerful symbolic image.
The attacks on marriage are a part of everyday life for a couple committed to a life long relationship. Success of that relationship is based on a solid foundation of strategies to ward off the attacks and strengthen defenses. The wedding band is more than a mere symbol of marriage. The wedding band is both a shield and a sword to be used defending the trust and sanctity that embodies a healthy, lasting marriage.